What I’m Good At

I’m really good at starting new things. Blogs. Projects. Routines. But then I rebel. Against myself. Against the commitment. I’m a time hoarder. I hoard my time.

I really don’t like to be tied down. I like freedom and spontaneity. This is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to motherhood. It makes going with the flow and rolling with the punches a little easier because I’m pretty flexible and I don’t mind throwing my to do list out the window (I never liked it much anyway).

There’s a poem about letting the house and chores go to crap because you’re rocking your baby and “babies don’t keep”. I’ve wholeheartedly adopted this as my mantra and I refuse to feel any guilt about it, but I know many mothers do. So for this side-effect of my flexibility I am grateful.

On the other hand, babies thrive on schedules I’m learning. Hmm, maybe something to be learned there? So I’ve found that having to give up my “freedom” to go and do as I please so that I can keep my son on something that resembles a schedule to be more of a challenge. Not in the sense of regretting the loss of freedom, I’m more than happy (most of the time) to sacrifice for my baby, but rather difficulty in retraining myself to be aware of the time and stay focused on maintaining consistency.

SO, back to new things. I love the excitement of starting something new. I love to have a project. I can get hyper-focused on a project at hand to the point of having tunnel vision until it’s complete. Unfortunately, it’s very rarely a project that NEEDS to be done i.e the dishes, and more likely something like planting in new planter boxes (the plants will most likely die after anyway).

I enjoy getting lost in things. That’s why I like starting new things. However, once the newness fades, you need something else to sustain what you started. You need discipline. Even that word sounds like punishment to me. I don’t like it. I fight it. I don’t have much, if any, of it. It’s human nature to only want to do what you want, when you want.

Every child comes into the world this way. But all children must grow up. Myself included. So discipline is something I’m working on. If I wait to FEEL motivated, it won’t happen. I have to discipline myself to do it. It’s funny, but once I squash the rebel, I almost always enjoy the result, if not even the process, of whatever I was doing.

So there are a few things that I’ve started to do so far this year:

Read the Bible through
Do the dishes regularly
Write a poem every day in April for NaPoWriMo
Go back to crossfit
Keep my new plants alive
Write a Blog
Write regularly

I usually don’t share goals or things I’m starting because I am setting myself up to fail in the least embarrassing way possible. Well, no more. I know I’m not perfect, so time to start getting real about it.

I’m already behind on my Bible reading schedule and poems, but in the past I wouldn’t have even started those things because I know I’d get behind. There are dirty dishes on my counter more days than not, but less than there used to be. I just went back to crossfit, but I went, and that’s HUGE for me. Some of my plants look wilted, but they’re alive. I’m not blogging as often as I should, but I am blogging. AND I am writing more regularly than I have in a very long time.

Would I call myself disciplined? Heck no! But I’m more disciplined. That’s all anyone can really hope for. Improvement. Growth. I’m getting somewhere. I may not be there, but I’m getting somewhere.

Day 10

Skipped the prompt and wrote a lullaby instead

Rocking, rocking off to sleep
All night long I’ll keep you safe

Peaceful sleep now til you wake
I’ll hold you sweetly in my heart

Then morning light will chase the dark
And morning sun will kiss your face
And then my arms again you’ll grace

Rocking, rocking off to sleep
All night long I’ll keep you safe

Day 9

Drip
Drop

Sprinkle

Mist

Drip
Drop

Sprinkle
Mist

Pitter            Splatter         Pitter

          Patter         Drop       Patter

Splash        Splunk           Splash
Shower                  Shower
Crash
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash

Pitter            Splatter       Pitter
Patter          Drop             Patter
Splash            Splunk       Splash
Shower                     Shower
Crash
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash
Flash

Day 8

A poem about changing your mind or retracting a previous statement in another poem.

****

New things are great
I love to start new things
I hate to wait
So I rush rush rush
I don’t like to fail
So I quit before it’s too late
I don’t like this poem
That’s all I’ve got to say for day 8

Day 7

Day 7’s prompt is about money. I don’t really feel much like writing about money so I’m going to take the more abstract route and write about what’s valuable to me.

image

Sleepy cuddles are worth their weight in gold. I know, that’s a cliche but I don’t care. I didn’t know my heart could be so full. I didn’t know tears could be so happy. Or that I could laugh so hard that my head would throb. And that it would all be worth it.

I didn’t know sacrifice could be so fulfilling. That giving up so much, could be so rich. That being a mess could feel so beautiful.

But the love, I knew. I knew I could love him so much. I always have loved him. I knew my heart would overflow. I knew he’d be worth it. It is a contentedness that I’ve long longed for.

Now everything I feel is deeper. Joy, fear, pain, love, anger, strength, resolve. A new level of emotion and motivation. Even if that motivation is just to be still. It’s like all the walls have been undone.

I’ve never been able to be so still, quiet, and at peace. With this piece of me that was missing, asleep here on my chest. The value is beyond measure.